For Julie, because you wanted to know what I think about in a 10 minute span.
Yesterday when I should have been (insert: doing dishes, emptying the dishwasher, making a meal with all food groups represented, doing laundry, folding laundry, putting away laundry, sweeping the kitchen floor, supervising homework, making our bed, putting up Christmas decorations, filing papers in the home office, organizing the recycling, cleaning out the fridge, doing Christmas baking, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning out the car, returning overdue library books, writing Christmas cards, doing some online Christmas shopping…..) I found myself daydreaming about being a rock star. Not so much about actually being on stage showing off my moves like Jagger, but rather coming up with what my rider would look like (do you know what a rider is? For those who don’t spend a lot of time thinking about being a rock star, a rider is the your list of DEMANDS as the talent, for what you NEED to have in order to put on the best damn show ever.
A list of a few of my needs:
Peanut butter M&M’s. Read this one carefully. I said peanut butter. If you bring me peanut M&M’s I will cut you and throw you in the Screamer Pits (high five Walking Dead reference!) It must be peanut butter.
Aspirin – not for headaches, but to crush and rub all over my face to give me a youthful glow. Try it.
A feather filled couch. It’s like a hug when you lie on it and this rock star, like Temple Grandin, needs a hugging machine too.
All flavours of MIO. One word, addicted.
Three sizes of leather jeans, because as I rapidly approach 40, overnight my body rebels in ways that makes guessing what size I will be in the morning completely unpredictable. I feel like a freaking Barbapapa and if you have to ask what a Barbapap is you are too young to know and I hate you (you can catch episodes on YouTube in French if you really want to know). And leather, well, because I’m a rock star. Duh.
*Three white t-shirts; one with a boat neck, one with a v-neck, and one with a crew neck. It all depends on if I like my collar bones that day. Yes, it does matter, shut up.
Room temperature water, and lots of it. But I also need an assistant who will cut me off drinking it about 2 hours before I go on stage. I liken my bladder to a drip coffee maker, it takes a while for everything to filter through, and I don’t want to leave the stage to go pee.
Pictures of my children/husband doing magazine quality activities. But not my actual children (they were bugging me when I was writing this – I may or may not ask for them).
PoP Chips – also addicted. All flavours except plain. Screamer Pits if you bring me plain.
Some gay friends surrounding me– sigh, I actually just want this all the time, pretend rock star or no pretend rock star. Who’s going to tell me if I look good or not and make me giggle? *The Gays would really help me with what neck line to choose.
Music. Okay, this is important. While the crowd is warming up to hear me, I need the following songs:
Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley. I am slowly trying to convert the entire world to the Church of Elvis and may or may not be pumping in brain washing gases into the air of the stadium while Elvis plays in the background. Bwahahaha, or should I say hubba hubba. (Oh, and hells yes I am playing a stadium in this day dream – though I do have intimate “playing a night club” day dreams too).
Edge of Seventeen by Fleetwood Mac. See if you can follow me on this one – I like to pretend that I am a rock star pretending that I am Joan Cusack from School of Rock pretending to be Stevie Nicks…..yes I am this complicated in real life.
Kickstart my Heart by Motley Crue. Try not getting all hyper and excitable when you hear this song. The crowd will be soooo pumped to hear me after hearing this. And special surprise, Tommy Lee is my guest guitarist tonight – sweet!
When She Begins by Social Distortion. Well, this is the song I will come out on stage to, because I am a She, and I am about to Begin. Get it? When She Begins? Oh, and super cool rockers like Mike Ness from Social Distortion will be in my roped off VIP area to watch my show, and I am not letting Gwyneth Paltrow into my VIP area because that girl just needs to be said no to sometimes.
Well, my daydream ended there when a telemarketer called. I gave Edie the old stinkeye when she answered phone and gestured wildly that I was not home but she gave me the phone anyways.
Baaaack to reality.